


The Twelve Daze of Christmas

by djinmer4



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Alcohol, Gen, Humor, testosterone poisoning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 02:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17112839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djinmer4/pseuds/djinmer4
Summary: Logan, Kurt, and Piotr decide to celebrate the season by poisoning themselves with testosterone. And alcohol. Don't try this at home kids!





	The Twelve Daze of Christmas

_Day One_

“So here’s the deal,” said Wolverine.  “We go through the song, starting October ninth-”

“Why that day?” asked Kurt.

“It’s the day after Canadian Thanksgiving.  I mean, it’s not like the two of you can drink during missions and I want to have enough time to go through the whole song before Christmas.”

“I don’t think it’s going to take us that long,” protested Piotr, looking over the lyrics.  “That’ll give us almost three months!”

The Canadian looked confused.  “Bub, that barely gives us two and half.  When do you celebrate Christmas?”

“January seventh.”

Kurt snapped (or attempted to snap) his fingers.  “Right, you’re Eastern Orthodox.  I’d forgotten that.”

“I know,” Pete responded dryly.  “You keep giving me presents on the 25th.  Katya at least remembers the correct date.”

“Either way, three months is too long.  Logan, why don’t we start on November first and end on December 25th?  That’s almost two months, with significant dates so we won’t forget.”

“Alright then.  Any other complaints?”

“Two questions.”  The shortest man nodded to the tallest.  “First, are we drinking by day or are drinks cumulative?  Twelve martinis are going to be bad enough on day twelve.  Twelve martinis plus 66 other drinks will kill us.”

“It won’t kill  _me_.”

“If Ororo catches you downing 78 drinks in one evening I wouldn’t be so sure of that,  _meine freunde_.”

“Okay, I guess I hadn’t thought that through.  Drinks are for that day only, if you want to other stuff that’s fine but it won’t count for the song.  What’s the other question, Pete?”

“First day is not drink, only partridge in pear tree.  What do we do for that day?”

“I’ve got some pear ostbrand,” offered Kurt.  “I picked it up on my last trip to Bavaria.”  Piotr and Logan looked confused.  “Pear brandy,” he explained.

Wolverine made a face.  “Brandy’s like … a whiskey wannabe.  Weaker than the real thing and gussied up with flavoring so you can’t taste the alcohol.  It’s like wanting a grilled steak and getting a boiled hotdog instead.  Stupidly weak and effeminate.”  He noticed Kurt waving frantically at him, then the German put his head in his hands.  “Jean’s standing right behind me, isn’t she?”

“She isn’t, but I’m sure she’d be just as interested in hearing your reasons for thinking something feminine is weak and stupid,” Ororo’s voice was as cold as the Canadian winter.

“I don’t know why Logan is so adamant we go through the whole song,” said Kurt as he and Piotr watched the weather witch chase the regenerator out of the mansion.  “He gets in enough trouble even when he’s not drunk.”

* * *

_Day Two_

“Now this is a real man’s drink,” announced Logan, passing out two shots each of the Cutty Sark whisky to Kurt and Piotr.

“And I see Logan still hasn’t learned his lesson,” Kurt smirked but raised his first glass in a toast.  “ _Prost.”_

 _“Поехали!”_ Piotr tossed his back but then choked when someone else spoke behind him.

“Hi, guys!  Whatcha doin’?”  Kitty smiled up at her fellow X-Men.  While Rasputin coughed and Wagner tried to hide the bottle, Logan just smirked.  “Hey, Half-Pint.  The three of us are playing a drinking game.  We’re going to follow the lyrics of this song.”

“Aw, no fair picking a game I can’t play.”  Kitty looked at the printout he gave her.  “Every day?”

“Well, as long as these two don’t have a mission the next day.  No point in getting into a fight when you’ve got a hangover.  We’re starting early so we can be done by Christmas.”

The Jewish girl continued to read.  “And you’re going all the way to Day Twelve?”

“Sure are.  What’s the point in starting if we don’t finish?”

She quirked one eyebrow then passed the lyrics back.  “I sure hope Elixir knows how to treat alcohol poisoning.”

“Well, this’ll be a great opportunity for him to learn.”

* * *

_Day Three_

_“_ They’re not all going to be grain-spirits, are they Logan?  Because while these are very nice, it’s going to be a little boring after a while.”  Kurt skulled his second glass of Old Crow bourbon.

“Nah, there are some cocktails in this list.”

“Oh good.”

Piotr stood up, having finished all three of his shots.  “I think I’m going to walk off some of this alcohol for a while.”

Logan smirked.  “Oh, is the Ruskie going to be the first one to bow out?”

“Not at all.  But I know how to pace myself.  Three or four drinks in an hour is fine but I think you two are going to start having difficulty once drink number goes beyond that.”

Kurt tried to keep the peace.  “Did we ever decide the stakes for this wager?”

Wolverine snorted.  “I’ve got an idea.  Whoever bows out first has to do one favor for whoever lasts the longest.”

The tallest man thought about it.  “Any favor?”

“Anything at all.”

“Fine.”  The Russian held out a hand.  “Shake on it?”  Logan, then Kurt did.

* * *

_Day Four_

_“_ I think this one’s better than yesterdays,” declared Kurt after finishing his first shot of Old Fitzgerald.

“Old Crow’s kind of cheap.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely an American classic, but Old Fitz is a mix of wheat and rye.  Gives the bourbon a softer texture.”

“I think the two of you are making this up.”

“Hey, don’t blame us if you don’t have enough experience to tell the difference,” scoffed Logan.

Piotr looked at his remaining glass mournfully.  “I’m beginning to wonder if I really want to win this competition.”

* * *

_Day Five_

_“_ Ah, the Rob Roy!  The drink created in honor of the famous Scottish Jacobite resister!”  Kurt finished off his second glass with a flourish.

Captain Britain, who had come to Winchester for paperwork reasons, and was passing by the kitchen for a snack, gave the German a funny look.  “Rob Roy MacGregor was a thief and a murderer.  That drink was created in honor of a highly dramatized operetta about his life.”

“Really?  I thought he was more like Robin Hood, based on the movie I watched.”

“Kurt, you need to stop getting all your history from Hollywood films,” stated Piotr, cradling his head in his large hands.  “You’re getting as bad as Americans are.”

“Colossus, are you alright?” asked the blond Englishman.  “You don’t look so good.”  And Brian would know something about that.

“I regret not having healing factor.”

“It’s only a little one,” said Kurt.  “I only heal twice as fast as a normal human being, nothing compared to Logan.”

“Where is our little  _tovarisch_  anyway?”

“I think the alcohol is getting to him.  He went to see about getting a Surrey for a ride with Jean.”  Two pairs of blue eyes stared at the indigo man.  “ _Was?”_

 _“_ Are you sure that’s what he said?” asked Brian.

Piotr cleared his throat.  “I think what Logan actually said was that he was going to say sorry to Jean while giving her a ride to the airport.  He bolted his portion and then was out of here none the worse.”

Kurt thought about it for a minute.  “That does seem to make more sense.”

Captain Britain remained dubious.  “Healing factor will not let him go driving immediately after downing five drinks.  I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that way.  I’m starting to think the two of you have had enough.”

“Oh, we’re done for the day,” Kurt waved him off airily.  “Tomorrow we’re doing Cuba Libres!”

* * *

_Day Six_

_“_ That’s it.  I’m done.  I quit.”  Colossus put down his fourth Cuba Libre.

“That’s it?” jeered Logan.  “All that talk about how you thought the two of us were gonna go first and then you stop halfway through?”

“ _Da, da_.  I bow to fact healing factor trumps greater body mass in drinking.  I owe favor to winner.  Is fine.”  Piotr gave a mocking bow to both his opponents and grabbed a glass of water before leaving.  “Enjoy tomorrow’s hangover.”

Wolverine grinned ferally.  “Looks like it’s just you and me, Elf.  Unless you also want to concede to the sure winner?”

“I wouldn’t be so confident if I were you, Logan.  The healing factor may keep you from being hungover in the morning but it won’t prevent you from passing out at night.”

* * *

_Day Seven_

_“Ich_  ssee ve are back to ze visky again!”

“Kurt, are you alright?”  Kitty who had offered to keep track of things peered into his gold eyes.  “You’re starting to slur again and your accent’s nearly impossible!”

 _“Mir geht es gut, Kätzchen._ It’ss Johnny Valker.  Vinsston Churkill’ss favorite. _“_ Kurt downed drink number five.  “ _Habe ich dir jemals erzählt, wie lieblich du bist? Wirklich die schönste Frau, die ich je getroffen habe.”_

The Jewish girl stared at him for a while.  “Professor?” she called over her shoulder.

“If all he’s doing is flirting with everyone, I’ll allow it.  I’m more concerned if Logan’s picking fights with Scott again.”

“ _Ah, Professor! Ihr Kopf sieht heute besonders glänzend aus!”_ Kurt dropped a kiss on Xavier’s head before going to flirt with Ororo.  Kitty stared at him, wide-eyed.

“That being said, I think both of them will have new teaching outfits for tomorrow’s classes.  What do you think of pigtails and gingham dresses?”

The youngest X-Woman giggled.  “I think their hair’s a little short for pigtails.”

“You’d be surprised at what can be scrounged out of the attic.”

* * *

_Day Eight_

_“_ Pace it out so we don’t tick off Professor Xavier this time?”

“No arguments from me, bub.”  Neither Logan nor Kurt could remember how the Professor had gotten them into the Judy Garland costumes (or how he had even found them) but they both agreed that the experience would not be repeated.  He had even gotten Kitty to follow them around all day taking pictures.  She’d given copies to all the teachers then stuck up extras on the fridge, the message board and even archived them in the school database.  Neither Kurt nor Logan would forget about this for a long time.  And neither would anyone else.

“So what’s tonight’s  _boisson du jour?”_

 _“_ Old Fashioned.  How ya doin’ Half-Pint?”

“I can’t believe you got me to help you kill yourselves with alcohol.”

 _“_ You did mention that you wanted to learn how to mix cocktails.  Plus, you get first dibs on any embarrassing photos of us.”

Kitty perked up at that.

* * *

_Day Nine (or rather the day after Day Nine)_

“I’m taking suggestions for punishments for the two malefactors.”  Professor X steepled his hands in front of his face while looking over the other X-Men.  The shadows cast by the light hid any hint of a smile on his face but not the twinkling eyes.  Logan and Wagner had just provided a very good demonstration on why you don’t want to get blackout drunk in the mansion.

“Make them clean-up,” demanded Scott.

“That’s is a certainty.  We must demonstrate considerably greater portions of creativity in order to imprint a more durable impression of our disdain for the behavior of our two dipsomaniacs.”

A flat “What?” came from Remy.

“He means that of course, we’ll make them clean up but we should also come up with a cool and unusual punishment for the drunkards,” Kitty translated.  “How about more cross-dressing?  Las Vegas style!”

“Do we really want to see Logan in a showgirl skirt?” asked Scott skeptically.

“Look at it this way,” stated Kitty.  “We have to put up with Logan’s hairy legs for one day.  With proper distribution of the pictures, his humiliation will last  _forever_.”

“I add my vote for the showgirl skirts.”  Ororo tapped her fingers on the table.  “However we need something else for Kurt.  I don’t think he’s body-shy enough to be remotely embarrassed by that punishment.”

Everyone paused and thought.  “What does Mr. Wagner have a hard time with?” mused Professor Xavier.

“Being quiet and holding still, especially at the same time when not on a mission,” declared Kitty.

“That gives me an idea then.  Who here will be using Scantron sheets for tests next semester?”  Hank and Bobby raised their hands.  No surprise since they were teaching basic science and algebra to the younger students.

“For the next semester, Mr. Wagner will be proctoring your Scantron tests.  As the students will require silence and focus for those exams, Mr. Wagner will have to tone down his antics for several hours.”

They bandied about a few more suggestions but ultimately decided to stick with those three punishments.  Professor Xavier reminded people to make sure they had cameras for tomorrow and then the meeting broke up.

Piotr and Kitty were the last two out of the meeting room.  “Now I’m glad I dropped out before I reached this point.  Other X-Men are  _vindictive_.”

“Given the state of the kitchen, living room  _and_  the Danger Room, do you blame them?”

* * *

_Day Ten_

“This time, we start drinking at 6 PM.  We have until midnight to finish our drinks and Kitty, Piotr and Remy will be the ones to keep track since we apparently can’t do it ourselves.”

“ _Ja,_  agreed.”

They both downed their first drinks.  Logan made a face.  “Okay, maybe this wasn’t the best cocktail.  Way too sweet for me.”

“Too bad,” said Kitty mercilessly shaking up their second servings.  “The song says Manhattans so you’re getting Manhattans.”

Kurt apparently had none of Logan’s qualms.  He picked up the second glass and held it to the light.  “I love the color of this cocktail.”

“You do know that’s just the color of the juice the Maraschino cherries come in?”

The German shrugged, not at all bothered.  “So what?  I’m always disappointed by the fact that Kirschwasser is clear and not the color of cherries.  Although,” he sipped at his glass.  “Now I get to be disappointed it doesn’t taste like cherries.”

“So what does it taste like?”  Now that the two older men were finished with the seconds she started making the thirds.  After that, it would be Remy’s turn in the next hour.

Kurt made a weird face, one yellow eye squinting shut and his tongue sticking out.  Kitty didn’t have the heart to tell him his disgusted face was actually less intimidating than his smile since it didn’t show his fangs.  “Cough syrup.”

“Huh … “

“Yeah, now nothing’s gonna taste right all night,” complained Logan.

* * *

_Day Eleven_

“Guys, obviously I can’t drink yet, but shouldn’t you be doing this at night?”

“Nope.  Bloody Maries, like Mimosas, are morning drinks.  They’re supposed to cure your hangover after a night of heavy drinking.”

Kitty eyed the six empty glasses on the table with skepticism.  “And do they work?”

“Dunno.  Never had a hangover as far as I can remember.”

“Lucky you.”  While Kurt was matching Logan in the competition so far, he definitely was paying for it every morning.  And none of the others had any sympathy for him.  Sure, Kitty would bring him water and aspirin but she’d also mock him mercilessly all morning while he was too sick to fight back.  Piotr just said that he should just drop out; after all, it wouldn’t be Kurt who owed Logan a favor.

Kitty turned to Piotr.  “You brought your license with you, right?”

“ _Da._ Good thing too, these two will be in no shape to drive back.”

“I guess I should be grateful I’m not the one mixing drinks today.”

“And that everyone here knows us already.  Otherwise drinking would be attracting more attention.”  The waiter cleared away eight glasses but refused to bring any more.

Kitty cajoled the two alcoholics.  “Come on guys, let these people have their brunch in peace.  You’ve got all day for the other seven.”

Logan put on a thoughtful look or maybe he was just squinting at the light.  “Alright, Half-Pint, Rusky.  Kurt, we’ll do the next four glasses after 1 PM, okay?”

“Fine by me!”

* * *

_Day Twelve_

_“_ It’s 11:55 PM.”  Piotr checked his watch against the clock on the mantel.  “If two of you don’t finish drinks before 12, you’ll both have topped out at eleven drinks.”

“But if we both make it, you’ll owe a favor to both of us.”  Kurt was too busy trying to finish his last two drinks to speak.  Logan was stalling.

The Russian just tapped his watch and raised an eyebrow.  Logan lifted his glass … then dropped it and fell face forward, snoring on the table.

The spectators turned to the last contestant.  Kurt triumphantly hoisted both of his empty glasses … then also fell to the floor.

“Elixir!  Get over here!”  Kitty pinched the bridge of her nose.  “I knew this was going to happen.”

“I think we all knew this was going to happen, kitten.”  Ororo rubbed the Jewish girl’s shoulders while the gold-colored mutant rushed over.  “Elixir, just do Kurt.”

“Will Logan be okay?”

“Yes, which is why he.  Never.  Learns.   _Anything!”_

In the meantime, Bobby turned to Piotr.  “So did they both lose?”

“ _Nyet_.  Kurt won but only just.”

“You know, you could just lie about it and say they both topped out at eleven.”

“No thanks, then I’d owe them both favors!”


End file.
